„Dal jsi mu ten nůž?”
„Ano.”
„A co říkal?”
„Auuu…”
Tag Archives: krátké vtipy
Tři si povídají o tom, co udělají s vánočními odměnami. První říká: „Pracuji v německé bance. Z vánočních odměn si koupím auto a za zbytek pojedu na dovolenou.”
Druhý povídá: „Pracuji v Daimler Chrysler. Za vánoční odměny si nechám vybudovat bazén a za zbytek pojedu na cestu kolem světa.”
Třetí praví: „Já pracuji na finančním úřadu a za vánoční odměny si koupím svetr.”
Ostatní se ho ptají: „A co zbytek?”
Finančák odpoví: „Zbytek mi na něj přidají rodiče!”
Bohatá dáma se po krátké aférce loučí s bezdomovcem a její poslední slova, když mu dává košem, jsou tato: „Nezlob se, ale nemohu své city investovat do takového pochybného individua, jako jsi ty…”
„No dobře,” vyčítá jí skleslý pobuda, „ale do pochybných podniků své peníze investovat můžeš, viď?!”
„Are you coming out to play?“
„No, I`ve got to help Dad with my homework.“
Why Italian boys have small black moustaches? They like to be similar to their mothers.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, „I´ve lost my dad!“ The policeman said, „What´s he like?“ Little Johnny replied, „Beer and women!“
„I don`t want you using those bad words any more.“
„But, Mother, Shakespeare uses them.“
„Well, don`t play with him again.“
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, „My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren´t mine!“ The second says, „My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!“ The third woman fainted.
A Japanese came to Tatry and speaks with the Baca, about the martialarts. So baca asks: – Show me something, Japanese. OK, there is a swoosh, boom, and Baca falls on the ground. He opens his one eye, and asks: – Co to belo ? – Ka-ra-te. – Show me something else, Japanese. OK, there is a pull, a swoosh, a shout, boom, boom, and Baca lies on the grass. He opens one eye, and asks: – co to belo ? – Ju-ji-tsu. – Japanese – now I will show you something, OK ? OK, there is a swoosh, a thud, boom, the Japanese on the ground, telephone, signal, ambulance, hospital, insurance, second floor. On the next day, the Japanese opens one eye, and asks: – Co to belo? And Baca says: – Se-ke-ra!
Waiter: „Would you like your coffe black?“
Diner: „What other colours you have?“
In the USA, they have: Bill Clinton, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope, Johny Cash. In Slovakia, they have: Vladimir Meciar, no wonder, no hope, no cash.
„Doctor, what shall I do? My husband talks in his sleep every night…“ „Just give him the opportunity to talk during the day!“
Teacher:
„Can you tell me about the Dead Sea?“
Johnny:
„I didn`t even know it was ill.“
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time. „I have good news and bad news,“ the owner replied. „Okay. Let´s hear it,“ responded the artist. „Well, the good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.“ „That´s wonderful,“ the artist exclaimed. „What´s the bad news?“ „The guy said he was your doctor.“
City lady: „Have you ever had any accidents?“
Cowboy: „No, Ma´ am. Mind you, I was once kicked by a horse and bitten by a snake.“
City lady: „Good heavens! Don´t you call those accidents?“
Cowboy: „No, Ma´ am.They dit it on purpsose.“
An Arabian guy at the aeroport: Name? Ahmed al-Rhazib. Sex? Three to five times a week. No, no… I mean male or female? Male, female, sometimes camel. Holy cow! Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general. But isn’t that hostile? Horse style, doggy style, any style! Oh dear! No, no! Deer run too fast.
Customer: „I´ll have a hamburger, please.“
Waiter: „With pleasure.“
Customer: „No, with pickles and onions.“
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place. „It´s just too hot to wear clothes today,“ complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. „Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?“
Knock Knock Knock. Who is there? Mary. Mary who? Mary christmas.
Teacher:
„You can`t sleep in class.“
Girl:
„No, but if you didn`t talk so loudly I could.“