KATEGORIE: Vtipy anglicky

Teacher:
„What happened to your homework?“
Jerry:
„I made it into a paper plane, and somebody hijacked it!“

Fuck is easy,
fuck is funny,
many people fuck for money.

If you think
that fuck is funny,
fuck yourself and save your money.

„What comes after the Bronze Age and the Iron Age?“
„The Heavy Metal Age, Sir!“

I open a newspaper – Brezhnev. I open radio – Brezhnev. I open TV – Brezhnev. I am afraid to open the toilet.

Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am? She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.

In the Sovetski Svaz two men meet in a prison. One asks: – How many years did they give you? – Five years. – What did you do? – Nothing! – You lying fu*king dog! For nothing, the Soviet Authorities give ten years!

A man was driving his car along the road in the countryside, when suddently a cock ran in fron of his car. Unfortunately he couldn`t stop in time and he ran over the cock. The man stopped his car and walked to the farmhouse nearby.
„I`m terribly sorry,“ said the man. „But I`ve just killed your cock. I realise he must be very important to you so I`d like to replace him.“
„Thanks for your offer,“ said the farmer, „but I think I will go and buy another cock.“

„Are you coming out to play?“
„No, I`ve got to help Dad with my homework.“

Why Italian boys have small black moustaches? They like to be similar to their mothers.

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, „I´ve lost my dad!“ The policeman said, „What´s he like?“ Little Johnny replied, „Beer and women!“

„I don`t want you using those bad words any more.“
„But, Mother, Shakespeare uses them.“
„Well, don`t play with him again.“

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, „My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren´t mine!“ The second says, „My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!“ The third woman fainted.

A Japanese came to Tatry and speaks with the Baca, about the martialarts. So baca asks: – Show me something, Japanese. OK, there is a swoosh, boom, and Baca falls on the ground. He opens his one eye, and asks: – Co to belo ? – Ka-ra-te. – Show me something else, Japanese. OK, there is a pull, a swoosh, a shout, boom, boom, and Baca lies on the grass. He opens one eye, and asks: – co to belo ? – Ju-ji-tsu. – Japanese – now I will show you something, OK ? OK, there is a swoosh, a thud, boom, the Japanese on the ground, telephone, signal, ambulance, hospital, insurance, second floor. On the next day, the Japanese opens one eye, and asks: – Co to belo? And Baca says: – Se-ke-ra!

Waiter: „Would you like your coffe black?“
Diner: „What other colours you have?“

In the USA, they have: Bill Clinton, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope, Johny Cash. In Slovakia, they have: Vladimir Meciar, no wonder, no hope, no cash.

„Doctor, what shall I do? My husband talks in his sleep every night…“ „Just give him the opportunity to talk during the day!“

Teacher:
„Can you tell me about the Dead Sea?“
Johnny:
„I didn`t even know it was ill.“

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time. „I have good news and bad news,“ the owner replied. „Okay. Let´s hear it,“ responded the artist. „Well, the good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.“ „That´s wonderful,“ the artist exclaimed. „What´s the bad news?“ „The guy said he was your doctor.“

City lady: „Have you ever had any accidents?“
Cowboy: „No, Ma´ am. Mind you, I was once kicked by a horse and bitten by a snake.“
City lady: „Good heavens! Don´t you call those accidents?“
Cowboy: „No, Ma´ am.They dit it on purpsose.“

An Arabian guy at the aeroport: Name? Ahmed al-Rhazib. Sex? Three to five times a week. No, no… I mean male or female? Male, female, sometimes camel. Holy cow! Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general. But isn’t that hostile? Horse style, doggy style, any style! Oh dear! No, no! Deer run too fast.